Hailsham 5-1 Crawley

There are unconfirmed reports that VAR, hawkeye and Specsavers '2-4-1 glasses' are to be trialled at Hailsham, after a series of poor umpiring decisions handed the home side a comfortable victory.

The Men's 2nd team made the pilgrimage to a Hailsham team sitting high in the division, a team who would therefore be fancying their chances - as well as each other.

Following last weekend's 'pulsating' 2-2 draw at home to Saint Francis, captain Kane was forced to make wholesale changes to the squad for the sixteenth time this season.

Scott Mansfield (failed to recover from a series of appointments at Moorfields Eye Hospital), Alex Coote (playing Lego), Theo Hillman (reported to have been on the sesh) all missed the trip to Hailsham.

However, the 2s were not to be without a Mansfield, as Toaster's brother stepped up to the plate. Thomas Jarvis and Karl Bass made welcome returns to the starting eleven.

Fresh from blowing a whistle in East Grinstead, Chris Rockers kept his usual slot in between the sticks with the quest of trying to keep a clean sheet.

As with the majority of 2's games this season, this quest is put on hold within the first few minutes of the game - and Hailsham were sadly no exception converting a short corner with the aide of an umpire who apologised for not seeing the first shot being higher than Theo after a jolly good spliff.

Crawley rallied and were level a few moments later when Karl smashed in a short corner. The 2s could have taken the lead when the ball was played across the face of the Hailsham goal - and with Liam at the backpost it seemed easier to score, but instead the muppet decided to swing at fresh air. Ha'way.

Hailsham retook the lead before half-time through some bloke - who was rapid and had clearly had his Weetabix - cut back from the baseline to work an angle for a back stick shot which trickled over the line.

*Yep. You read that correctly. A back stick shot. However the slim James Corden-looking umpire deemed it to be a legitimate goal. Haaaa'waaaaayyy.*

Crawley had been the better of the two teams in the first half, creating the better chances, but were constantly being faced with umpiring decisions which could only really be described as confusing, inconsistent and - at times - utter pish.

Sadly, these decisions continued into the second half and the eleven men of Crawley - often reduced to nine - were struggling against Hailsham's 13.

Jarvis picked up the first green and was soon to be joined on the side of the pitch by Captain Kane. Not content with a green, Captain Kane went one further for a yellow and Jason "Hulk" Mansfield collected a green for falling over close to the Hailsham player.

Hailsham failed to capitalise on Crawley's reduced numbers, and only scored their goals either side of Crawley being down to nine men. At was at this point, heads dropped.

However, they were soon brought back up in a bizarre moment in the game, one of the Hailsham midfielders - who resembled a fat Russell Crowe - ran the ball out of play and then squared up to Scottish Tom.

After recovering from the breath penalty, Scottish Tom picked up his 23rd stitch of the game - this time through sheer laughter.

*Apparently yet another Crawley player missed another sitter at the back post - however I missed this as I was tying my shoe laces.*

'Russell Crowe' made the three points safe for Hailsham, slotting in a fifth. But, before the game was finished he was kissing the floor when Captain Kane put him on the ground with a 'fair' body check.

A disappointing result, but a strong team performance given the brisk weather conditions and questionable umpiring decisions.

The quest for Rockers' clean sheet continues into game 17...